IPS 635 

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P2874 
Copy 1 



[Oerdson 'sjpecialties 



FUN 

IN A VAUDEVILLE 

AGENCY 



B. 



lames 



R P 



arsons 



i^S.jDemson & Company 

Publishers ■ Chicago 




111 IlllllllllllJIIIIIIIIIIIIillllll^ 

Price, 25 Cents 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Ete. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 23^ hrs (35c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, 2 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1^ 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

2li hrs (35c) 6 10 

And Home Came Ted, 3 acts, 

2^ hrs <50c) 6 6 

Arizona Cowboy, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs (35c) 7 5 

Assisted by Sadie, 4 acts, 2^ 

hrs (50c) 6 6 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

25^ hrs (35c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2li hrs (35c) 6 14 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 9 3 

Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1% hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Boy Scouts* Good Turn, 3 acts, 

IYat hrs (25c) 16 2 

Brookdale Farm, 4- acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2^ h. (25c) 7 4 
Call of the Colors, 2 acts, 1^ 

hrs (25c) 4 10 

Call of Wohelo, 3 acts, IM 

hrs. (25c) 10 

Camouflage of Shirley, 3 acts, 

2J4 hrs (35c) 8 10 

Civil Service, 3 acts, 2l^ hrs. 

(35c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 2^ 

hrs. (35c) 9 8 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2^ hrs. 

(35c) 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(35c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2^/4 

hrs (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2yx hrs (35c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr....(25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, 1^ h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everj-youth, 3 acts, 1^ h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

For the Love of Johnny, 3 

acts, 254 hrs .(50c) 6 3 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

IH hrs (25c) 9 14 

Gettin' Acquainted, 25 min. 

(35c) '. .. 1 2 

Her Honor, the Mayor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (35c) 3 5 



M. F. 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 

In Plum Valley, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Jayville Junction, 1^^ hrs.(25c)14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (35c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2^ hrst (35c) 6 12 

Laughing (Ture, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Lighthouse Nan, 3 acts, 2J4 

hrs (35c) 5 4 

Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Little Clodhopper, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 3 4 

Mirandy's Minstrels. . . . (25c) Optnl. 
Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 254 hrs (35c) 4 7 

My Irish Rose, 3 acts, 2^4 hrs. 

(35c) 6 6 

Old Maid's Club, IJ^ hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

1J4 hrs. (25c)12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

2V2 hrs (25c)10 4 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (35c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose. 4 acts, 2^ h.(35c) 7 4 
Real Thing After All, 3 acts, 

254 hrs. (35c) 7 9 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 10 12 

Ruth in a Rush, 3 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 5 7 

Safety First, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (35c) 5 5 

Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 

Spark of Life, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 4 4 

Spell of the Image, 3 acts, 25^ 

hrs. (35c) 10 10 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 254 h. (35c) 6 5 
Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 254 

hrs (35c) 9 16 

Tony, the Convict, 5 -acts, 254 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 254 hrs. 

(35c) 6 18 

Trip to Storyiand, 154 hrs.(25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 254 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 10 

When Smith Stepped Out, 3 

acts, 2 hrs (50c) 4 4 

Whose Little Bride Are You? 

3 acts, 254 hrs (50c) 5 5 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, 1^ hrs. 

(25c) 2 4 



T.S.DENISON&COMPANY,Publishers,154W.RandolphSt.. Chicago 



FUN IN A 
VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

A HUMOROUS ENTERTAINMENT 

In One Scene 



BY 

JAMES F. PARSONS 

AUTHOR OF 

"Fun in a Photograph Gallery." "Fun In a Recruiting Office," etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 






.^y^^ 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

For Nine ]Men and Five Women. 



CHARACTERS. 

(Named in the order of appearance.) 

John Jones Theatrical Agent 

Miss Augur Recitationist 

Levi Goldstein Cornet Player 

Mr. Butler Singer 

Miss Carter Club Swinger 

Miss Darton Piano Player 

Miss Esterbrook . . . 

Miss Walters 

Josh Wilson 

Silas Pardee 

Reuben Smith 

Bill Squires 

Sam Small 

Jim Prout 



.Readers 



. Musicians 



Place — .i Theatrical Office. 



Time of Playing — About Thirty Minutes. 



copyright, 1920, BY" JAMES F. PARSONS. 

JUL 26 IS20 



J 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 



COSTUMES. 

John Jones — Business suit. 

Levi Goldstein — Black wig, long coat, small derby hat, 
red tie. 

Miss Augur — Street costume. 

Mr. Butler — Dress suit, too large or too small. 

Miss Carter — Gymnasium suit. 

Miss Darton — Evening dress, large fan. 

Miss Esterbrook — Short tight fitting jacket, small straw 
hat, flashy dress. 

Miss Walters — Gaudy costume. 

Josh Wilson — Well worn black suit. 

Silas Pardee — Brown pants and jumper. 

Reuben Smith — Long pants. Shirt sleeves. 

Bill Squires — Overalls, gray shirt. 

Sam Small — Rubber boots, dark suit, no collar. 

Jim Prout — Straw hat, white coat, white pants. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; 
L., left; I E., first entrance; U. E,, upper entrance; R, 5 E., 
right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from foot- 
lights; down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed 
to be facing the audience. 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 



Scene: Jones' office. Table or desk in center of stage 
on which are hooks, papers, ink stand, paper weight, pens, 
writing paper, etc, Sez'cral chairs about the stage. Two 
Indian clubs standing in one corner, also a base ball bat. 
Piano and stool. Doors right and left of stage, 

John Jones enters L. 
Mr. Jones. If ever a man was sick of business, I air 
sick of this one. A theatrical agent indeed. You are the 
servant of servants. Strive as hard as you may, you cannot 
please everybody, and I sometimes think you cannot please 
anybody. It is nothing but fret and worry, bad debts, poor 
receipts, and I wish I might sell out and give up the busi- 
ness and engage in something more congenial. 

Miss Augur enters L, 

Miss Augur. Is this Mr. Jones, the theatrical agent? 

Jones. Yes, ma'am. 

Miss A. I wish to get a position on the stage. 

Jones. Have you had any experience? 

Miss A. Not a great deal, no, sir. 

Jones. Have you made any preparation at all ? 

Miss A. Oh, yes, sir. I have seven new dresses, one 
gray, one pink, one blue, three white, one black and — 

Jones. You said seven and have mentioned ten, but 
when I said, have you made any preparation for the stage, 
I meant have you studied elocution, or taken vocal instruc- 
tions? 

Miss A. The knowledge I have obtained of the art has 
been mostly from books. 

Jones (to audience). She seems like a sensible woman. 
I guess I will give her a trial. {To Miss A.) Will you 
please give me a sample of your work. 

(Miss A. recites.) 

Jones. Fine. I think I can book you inside of one 

4 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 5 

week. Leave your address, please. I think you will hear 
from me soon. (Miss A. gives Jones her card.) 

Miss A. Thank you very kindly, sir. Good day. 

Jones. Good day. (Miss A. exits L.) 

Goldstein enters L, 

Jones. Well, sir, what can I do for you ? 

Goldstein. I vand do join some shows. 

Jones. As an agent, an actor, bill poster, or what? 

Gold. Vitch geds de mosd ? 

Jones. An actor. 

Gold. How much vould I ged? 

Jones. That depends upon how much you are worth. 

Gold. Veil, I vas vorth dwo hundred tollars und I own 
a small house mid a large mortgage — I owe — 

Jones. I don't mean how much you are worth in real 
estate, but how much you are worth as an actor. What is 
your line? 

Gold. Vad iz my line? Vod do you mean — a fish line, 
or clothes line, or vod? 

Jones. I mean what do you do on the stage — what is 
your stunt? 

Gold. My stump? You mean I act like a stump, or 
look like a stump, or vod ? 

Jones. No, no. I mean, what do you do as an actor? 

Gold. I act. 

Jones. Are you a leading man, comedian, villain, or 
what ? 

Gold. I push on de drees, und make de drees und voods 
on de stage. 

Jones. Oh, I see. You are a scene shifter. 

Gold. Dod iz id, but I vand you do deach me dod acting. 

Jones. Do you wish to go into the legit, vaudeville, or 
what ? 

Gold. Yes, dod iz id, de first dwo you said. I vand do 
blay de cornet. 

Jones. Why didn't you say so? 

Gold. I do say so. 

Tones. Here is a cornet. Let me see what you can do. 



6 FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

(Gold, takes an old cornet and pretends to play it, while 
someone behind the scenes is playing the tune on a good 
cornet.) 

Jones. I think I can get you a position very soon. Give 
me one dollar, please. I will send for you when I get you 
an engagement. (To audience.) By jove, he said he had 
two hundred dollars. Perhaps I can sell my business to 
him. (To Gold.) Your object in going on the stage is to 
make money, is it not ? 

Gold. Yes, dod iz id sure. 

Jones. How would you like to make monev and not 
work very hard. 

Gold. I vould like id. I vould like id. 

Jones. I will give you a chance. I will sell you my 
busmess for two hundred dollars, and all you will have to 
do will be to sit here and take the people's money when 
they come m. Just think of it, one dollar apiece for every 
person that comes in whether you get them a position or 
not. 

Gold. Veil, I vould like dod business. But 

Jones. But — what ? 

Gold. I don't know how do fool dem like you 

Jones. You won't have to fool them. Here is a book 
(Jones shows Gold, a book) in which you keep the names 
of the people in want of a situation. When a manager 
comes to you for a musician, comedian, or reader, show 
him your list. He makes a selection and your wealth in- 
creases. 

Gold. How much iz de book? 

Jones. I give it to you free. It goes with the business. 

Gold. I can't give dose lessons in acting and execution 
dod you give. 

^ Jones. That is easy. Here is a book with full instruc- 
tions. 

Gold. How much iz de book? 

Jones. I give you the book free ; it goes with the busi- 
ness. I have also a book here full of recitations, poems, 
etc that I sell outright, so much a piece from five cents up! 

Gold. How much iz de book? 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 7 

Jones. I give you the book free; it goes with the busi- 
ness. I have also a book here with the names of the people 
who owe me money, and the amounts they owe me. (Jones 
shows Gold, a very small hook,) 

Gold. Dod iz a small book, hey. Veil, veil. 

Jones. Here is just one more. It is a book in which 
I keep the names of the people I owe money to. (Jones 
shoms Gold, a large book.) 

Gold. I don't dhink I vill need dod. Id iz doo large. 

Jones. Are you prepared now to buy the business ? 

Gold. Sure, I vaz on my vay do de bank do put de 
money in de bank. 

Jones. Very well, we can close the deal at once. (Gold. 
gives Jones two hundred dollars.) Thank you very much. 

Gold. Don't mention me. (Jones exits L.) Ad last I 
vaz got von business of my own yet. Veil, veil. 

Mr. Butler enters L. 

Mr. Butler. Is this a theatrical agency? 

Gold. Sure ding. 

Butler. You give instructions in acting, singing, elo- 
cution, etc., do you not? 

Gold. I dhink I do. (Gold, looks at book.) Veil, yes 
I do. 

Butler. How much do you charge a lesson? 

Gold. How much have you been baying? 

Butler. Two dollars. 

Gold. Dod iz just right. Dwo tollars. 

Butler. I have taken quite a few lessons in singing, 
but I want someone to perfect my voice and put on the 
finishing touches. 

Gold, (to audience). Id must be pretty bad if he vands 
me do finish id. (Gold, looks at book and reads.) Dere vaz 
a great many kinds of voices, de brunette, de blonde, de 
ezzo, suickes, de discozo, de gossipineo und de pure yelp, 
all for de same brice. Sound a note. Sound G. (Gold. 
strikes a low note on the piano and sings it.) 

Butler. That note is too low for me. (Gold, strikes 



8 FUN IX A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

a very high note.) That note is too high for me fGoLo 
strikes a medium note.) ' ^^''^"■ 

note.) Oben your mouth. (Butler opens his mouth 
Gold, hghts a mutch, looks in Butler^s mouth.) Your 
voice vaz all right, your musical nerve vaz veil developed 
Dere vaz a little lump on de oudside of your voice dod 
vill make de articulation loose, und dere vaz a screw loose 
in your vindpipe. De lining of de glottis vas red. You 
should ead bud von meal a dav. 

Butler. I eat but one meal' a day now 
.m rr ^R '^"'^'■^f ^)- ,1 guess he vaz az hard up az I 

Yon Z'Jl^'^T-^ ^f\ '^^ ^"^ ^°" '"^^l ^ ^eek den. 
You should bind some lukewarm ice vater on your voice 
und drink de juice of dwo pickles az often az your voice 
hurts you. Suppose you sing a song und I vill listen ad 

(Butler sings a solo.) 

rn,?i?M- f ^T' ^"^- • "^T ^^""^ improved vonderfull. I 
could listen to you sing for five minutes. Your articula- 
tion iz fine und your collar und necktie just match your 
voice. j'-'-^i 

Butler Would you advise me to go on the stage? 
Gold. Sure. Sure. Sure ding. ' 

of ^a™g? ^^""'"^ ^'°" ^"^''"'^ "^ ^° ''"^ °"^ °^ ^^^0 ^^'■ses 

firs^°und 7i'} ^ "°V'^K^' '^'■'^"'- ^ ^°"^d ^i"? ^on verse 
first, und if de people began to go oud— stop. If dey kept 
dere seats, vy risk anodher verse. ^ 

Bl-tler. Thank you very much. (Butler niz'es Gold 
tzvo dollars.) Will you try "and get me a positio^n? 

^old. I vaz sure I could blace you. Good day. 

Butler. Good day, sir. (Butler exits L.) 

Enter L. Miss Carter, who is a club swinger. 

,,]^'3^ ^•. ^ ,^r^ silled to inquire if I can get some in- 
structions in club swinging. 

Gold. Yes. yes. Vod do you vant to use a club for^ 
io kill a doe or scare a dramn avav? 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 9 

Miss C. No, sir. I wish to do a club swinging act on 
the stag-e. 

Gold. Oh. Ah, I see id, I vill look in de book. (Gold. 
looks around and finds an old base ball bat, strikes a posi- 
tion and says:) You pud your left foot in front of de home 
base, your right foot barrellel mit de umbire's left elbow. 
Grab de handle of de bat mid de left hand nearest de body, 
put de right hand in close broximity mid de left hand und 
den you — you — 

Miss C. You evidently do not understand me. I do 
not wish to play base ball. I wish to swing Indian clubs. 

Gold. Vy didn't you say dwo clubs? (Gold, gets two 
Indian clubs and does a little business. Hitting them to- 
gether and dropping them to the floor.) Now you dry id. 
(Miss C. does a club swinging act.) 

Gold. Excellent — exceedingly — excellent. I vill bromise 
you an engagement inside of von year. Dwo tollars, blease. 
(Miss C. gives Gold, two dollars and exits L.) 

Miss Darton enters L. 

Miss D. Mr. Goldstein, I presume. 

Gold. Your presuming vaz correct. 

Miss D. I am a musical prodigy seeking an opportunity 
to interpret the leading composers' masterpieces on the 
piano-forte, expecting a remuneration, of course, for the 
execution of the same. 

Gold. I don't dhink ve got any of doose. Iz dhere any- 
ding else you vould like? 

Miss D. Perhaps, sir, you do not understand me. I am 
endeavoring to procure a situation in a congenial company 
of entertainers if I can secure proper remuneration for my 
services, in manipulating the works upon the piano-forte. 

Gold. How much have you been baying a lesson? 

Miss D. I am proficient in my art. I pay seven dollars 
a lesson. I have tried Chopin, Wagner — 

Gold. Have you dried choppin' vood? Have you dried 
Sasaprella? 

Miss D. I am not sick, sir. I wish to play the piano. 

Gold. Vy didn't you say so before? I vill show you de 



10 FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

first lesson. (Sits down upon the piano stool, rises, turns 
the stool down a little, sits again, rises, turns the stool up 
a little, opens a sheet of music, drops part of it on the floor, 
picks it up, places it upon the piano. Turns the }nusic up- 
side down, rises, turns the stool doum a little, dusts the 
stool with his handkerchief. Throws the handkerchief upon 
the piano. Takes his handkerchief from the piano, zvipes 
his face and hands, tries to throw his handkerchief upon 
the piano, but throws it over his right shoulder. Rises, 
turns the stool down a little, moves the stool a little nearer 
the piano, looks at the stool, moves it back a little way from 
the piano. Sits dozvn, raises his hands over the piano, as 
if to strike a chord, zvaits an instant, rises, turns to audi- 
ence, bows, sits dowm again. Plays a little, rises, turns to 
Miss D. and says:) You blease dry id now. 
(Miss D. plays a solo.) 

Miss D. Will I have to leave a deposit? 

Gold. No, you just give me dwo toUars. (Miss D. 
gives Gold, tzuo dollars and exits L.) 

Miss Esterbrook enters L. 

Miss E. I believe this is a theatrical agency, is it not? 

Gold. Yes mam, dod iz id. 

Miss E. My name is Esterbrook. I live up the road 
quite a ways. Tve come to see if I kin get on the stage. 

Gold. Vill I— I— 

Miss E. It's this w^ay. My folks w^ant me tU jine the 
lyceum, but I know I'm cut out fur bigger things. I know 
I kin act and read as good as Rip Van Winkle or any other 
actor. 

Gold. Do you? — 

Miss E. And what's more I'm going to show some of 
them smart critters what's what, and don't you think I 
ain't neither. My neighbors all try to run down anyone 
that tries to git ahead. The idea of sayin that Sally Ester- 
brook can't act, and read readings. I never done my best 
yet. I never had no appreciative audience yet to hear mc 
read and recite. 

Gold. Do vou? — 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 11 

Miss E. The idea of Mary Snippkins thinkin' she can 
beat me readin'. She can't do no such thing, and she knows 
it as well as I do, but she won't admit it. She's so set and 
stuck up about her readin' pieces that you can't reason with 
her. Only two weeks ago at the Watson girls' party she 
tried to recite a piece and she broke down four times and 
had to be prompted at that. My sakes alive. 

Gold. I dink dod— 

Miss E. I don't want tu brag or be egotinsical, but I 
know I'm better'n she is by a good deal, and I will admit 
it. Her looks is agin her anyway. Her hair is too yaller 
and she is too full in the face, and her form is too bulky 
altogether to suit me. She makes her own dresses, too, and 
they don't half fit her neither. I've heard ever so many 
say she ain't got no style to her. I'll admit, she's pretty 
good on religious pieces, but anything lively and snappy 
gits her. Some folks are so queer. 

Gold. Voz dod a recitation vod you vaz speaking, or 
vod vaz id? 

Miss E. No, sir, it ain't no recitation. I've come to buy 
a reading if you've got one tu suit me. 

Gold. Vod kind of a von do you vand? 

Miss E. I want something heavy. 

Gold. Diz iz de (Gold, shows Miss E. a large book) 
heaviest von ve have, id veighs nine bounds. You may have 
id for dwenty cents a bound. 

Miss E. Thank you, I mean a heavy reading, something 
dramatic. (Gold, gives Miss E. the book.) 
(Miss E. reads a selection.) 

Gold. Fine, superfine. I dink you vill make a hit mid 
dod von sure. 

Miss E. How much will that cost me? 

Gold, (tears the piece from the book, gives it to Miss E. 
and says:) Dod vill cost you dwo tollars. I vill nod 
charge you anyding for listening do you. (Miss E. gives 
Gold, two dollars.) 

Miss E. Good day, Mr. Goldstein. 

Gold. Good day. {To audience.) How familiar. (Miss 
E. exits L.) 



12 FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

Miss - Walters enters L. She is chewing gum. 

Miss W. How are you, sir? 

Gold. I'm better, dank you. 

Miss W. Tm a recitationist and I am looking for a 
coach. 

Gold. Veil, ve don't keep coaches, or hacks, or carriages, 
here. You vill find dem down by de livery stable around 
de corner. 

Miss W. I mean someone to coach me in a recitation, 
someone to prompt me so that I can perfect myself. 

Gold. Ah, I see id. I vill brompt you. Vod iz de biece 
you vish to recide? 

Miss W. This is the piece on page 23. I used to recite 
it when I was a little girl. (Miss W. gives Gold, a book 
opened.) 

Gold, {looks at the book and reads aloud). De boy stood 
de burning deck, ven all below had fled. I have heard dod 
biece. Veil, go ahead und I vill brompt you. 

Miss W. I don't know how it begins. 

Gold. It pegins mit de boy. 

Miss W. The boy. 

Gold. Veil, go ahead mit id. Vad did de boy do? He 
stood. He stood on someding. 

Miss W. The boy stood on his feet. 

Gold. Sure he stood on his feet, but vod did his feet 
stand on? 

Miss W. I don't know. 

Gold. On de burning deck. 

Miss W. On the burning deck. 

Gold. Now say de whole of id. 

Miss W. I don't know^ how it begins. 

Gold. Id begins mit de boy. 

Miss W. The boy. 

Gold. Veil, go on. De boy stood on de burning dock. 

Miss W. The boy stood on the burning dock. 

Gold. Not dock bud deck. 

Miss W. You said dock. 

Gold. I didn't, neither. 

Miss W. You did, too. 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 13 

Gold. I didn't, too. I didn't say dock, I said dock — I 
mean deck. Dere id iz in de book. (Gold, shows Miss W. 
the book.) Say de next line, when albe. 

Miss W. When albe. 

Gold. Ven albe — vod sense iz ven albe. Ven albelow 
had vaz fed. 

Miss W. When all below was fed. 

Gold. Fled, not fed. 

Miss W. You said fed. 

Gold. I didn't say fled — fed. I said fed — fled. Here id 
vaz in de book. (Gold, shows Miss W. the book.) How 
could I say id if id vaz in de book. Now begin id. 

Miss W. I don't know how it begins. 

Gold. Oh, my goodness — Id begins mit de boy. 

Miss W. The boy. 

Gold. Keep id going. De boy stood on de burning dock 
— deck ven all below had fed — fled. 

Miss W. The boy stood on the burning dock deck when 
all below had fed fled. 

Gold. De boy fell down upon de deck, and — 

Miss W. The boy fell down upon the deckhand. 

Gold. Oh, Christmas. De deckhand — dere vaz no deck- 
hand dere. All, all below had fled. Nobody vaz dere. Say 
de boy fell down upon de deck — den make a pause — und 
stop — * 

Miss W. I don't know how it begins. 

Gold. Oh, dear. You know id all bud de vords, don't 
you? 

Miss W. Yes, sir. 

Gold. Now say vad I say und nodhing more. De boy 
fell down upon de deck. 

Miss W. The boy fell down upcn the deck. 

Gold. And cut his curly head. 

Miss W. And cut his curly hair. 

Gold. His curly hair. Hair don't rhyme mid fled. You 
are de limit. 

Miss W. What is the limit? 

Gold. You are. I don't know vod id means. I never 



14 FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

studied astromomy, bud you are de limit. I don't dink I 
can deach you vod you don't know. Dry a reading. 
(Gold, gives Miss W. a book and she gives a reading.) 
Gold. Good. Stick do de reading und you vaz all righd. 
(Miss W. gives Gold, two dollars, exits L.) 

Josh Wilson enters L. mith an imitation horn. 

Gold. Veil. 

Wilson. I've come tu see if you cud help me out — 

Gold. No, sir, I can't help you oud, ve don't give charity. 

Wilson. Listen. I want you to help me out. 

Gold. No, sir. I can't give you a nicle — nod a nicle. 

Wilson. I'm in need of — 

Gold. I don't care if you do need id, I need id doo. 

Wilson. Wait till I tell you. 

Gold. I don't vant you do dell me. Dods vod dey all 
say. My vife's starving. I'm hungry. I'm in hard luck. 
Id's nodding bud give, give, give, I give avay dwenty cents 
last year. 

Wilson. I belong to a band. 

Gold. I know id — a band of robbers. 

Wilson. I don't want you tu give me money. 

Gold. No, dods another von. Lend me a dollar dill yes- 
terday. Gid oud und gid oud quick. 

(Wilson begins to play on his horn all off the key.) 

Gold, (puts his other hand in his pocket, pulls out a 
dollar bill, offers it to Wilson). Dake it. Dake it und 
keep de change. 

Wilson. I don't want any money. 

Gold. Vod? (To audience.) Vouldn't dod jiggle you? 
Vod do you vand? 

\\'iLS0N. I want tu have you help me out in settling a 
question. I belong to a band, the Punkinville band. I 
want to be leader of the band and sew du all the other fel- 
lers. I know that Reuben Smith is the best player all right, 
but he is sew all fired homely, I can't play when I look at 
him. Neaw the band's gota job playing at Mr. Cobalt's 
next week. He is going to give a Fete Campetre. 



FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 15 

Gold. Vod kind of feet? 

Wilson. Fete Campetre. A lawn party. 

Gold. How long iz de barty ? 

Wilson. Lawn party — lawn party. We are going to 
play on the lawn. 

Gold. Oh, I see. You vaz going do blay on de"lawn — 
mit hose? 

Wilson. No, not a hose. The band plays on the lawn. 

Gold. I vould dink id vould spoil de lawn blow^n' de 
vind on id. 

Wilson. He is going tu give us lots of vittles tu eat and 
lemonade tu drink and we want a leader fur that nite and 
we can't decide on one. The boys sent me down here tu see 
if you would pick one of us out tu be the leader, if they 
come down. I don't want none of us to be. the leader. Can't 
you fix it so that you can lead us? I'll pay you fur it out of 
my own pocket, but don't let the fellers know it. 

Gold. Sure I vill lead de band und I vill lead de eat- 
ding and drinking also. You go und bring de band down, 
I vill fix id. 

Wilson exits and returns zmth the hand. Each one has 
a fake instrument made of papier m^ache or small kazzoos 
will do. 

Wilson. Here is the band I was speakin' to you about, 
Mr. Goldstein. We want you to select one of us as a leader. 

Gold. Veil, I vill ask de question, vy should you be de 
leader, und den I vill decide. Vy should you be de leader? 

Silas Pardee. Because I am the oldest. 

Gold. Very good. Age counts if you vaz a little 
younger. 

Reuben Smith. I've had the most experience. 

Gold. Dod iz good. If you didn't have doo much. 

Bill Squires. My wife says I've got to lead or I will 
have to leave the band. 

Gold. Iz dod so. I guess she leads you all right. 

Sam Small. Because I play the biggest trumpet. 

Gold. You god de most hot air. 

Jim Prout. I led the Derby band twice and I feel con- 
fident. 



16 FUN IN A VAUDEVILLE AGENCY 

Gold. You feel confident, hey. Veil, you vand do dink 
of other beople's feelings. 

V^iLSON. Wall, I never hav led but I'd like tu try. 

Gold. Dose vaz all good reasons, bud you can't all be de 
leaders. You vand some band left do lead. How vould 
you hke me do, do be de leader? 

Wilson. That would suit me. 

Pardee. Me, too. 

Smith. I'd be satisfied. 

Squires. I won't object. 

Small. I'm agreed. 

Prout. That's the best way out of it, I think. 

Gold. Veil, I vould like a liddle rehearsal mid you be- 
fore de Fleet Complete— lawn party. Suppose you bractice 
here a little vile. Dake some seats und make yourself 
homely. 

(The band plays several selections, Gold, leading them in 
a humorous manner.) 

Curtain. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List off Successful and Popular Plays. Laree Catalogue Free 



FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc 
Price 25 Cents Each 

M. F. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 
Aunt Harriet's Night Out, 35 

min .- 1 2 

Aunt Matilda's Birthday Party, 

35 min 11 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 30 min... 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min.... 3 5 
Case Against Casey, 40 min... 23 

Class Ship, 35 min 3 8 

Divided Attentions, 35 min... 1 4 

Fun in Photo Gallery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Getting Rid of Father, 20 min. 3 1 

Goose Creek Line, 1 hr 3 10 

Great Pumpkin Case, 35 min.. 12 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

Honest, Peggy, 25 min 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Just Like a Woman, 35 min... 3 3 

Last Rehearsal, 25 min 2 3 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Mother Goose's Goslings, 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins' Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

Not a Man in the House, 40 m. 5 

Paper Wedding, 30 min 1 5 

Pat's Matrimonial Venture, 25 

min 1 2 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Sewing for the Heathen, 40 

min 9 

Shadows, 35 min 3 4 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 
Teacher Kin I Go Home, 35 

min 7 3 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min. . 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min. . 3 2 

Wanted: a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 
Watch, a Wallet, and a Jack of 

Spades, 40 min 3 6 

Whole Truth. 40 min 5 4 

Who's the Boss? 30 min 3 6 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 min 8 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 
Price 15 Cents Each 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 15 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 
Before the Play Begins, 15 

min 2 1 

Billy's Mishaps, 20 min 2 3 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that 'Kicked Chicago, 25 m. 3 2 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

F»r Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 



M. F. 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Lottie Sees It Through, 35 min. 3 4 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Please Pass the Cream, 20 min. 1 1 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Smith's Unlucky Day, 20 min.. 1 1 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Two Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 
Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Wanted: A Hero, 20 min 1 1 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES 
Price 25 Cents Each 

Amateur, 15 min 1 1 

At Harmony Junction, 20 min. 4 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. 1 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min 2 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min.. 2 1 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube! 15 min 1 

It Might Happen, 20 min 1 1 

Little Miss Enemy, 15 min.... 1 1 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yanscn's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Quick Lunch Cabaret, 20 min.. 4 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Street Faker, 15 min 3 

Such Ignorance, 15 min 2 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min.. 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, 20 min. 1 1^ 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 15 min.. 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 

Vait a Minute 2 

BLACK-FACE PLAYS 
Price 15 Cents Each 

Axin' Her Father, 25 min 2 3 

Booster Club of Blackville, 25 

min 10 

Colored Honeymoon, 25 min. ..22 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 m... 1 1 
Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 j 

Darktowu Fire Brigade, 25m.. 10 j 

Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 | 

Hungry, 1 5 min 2 

Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Memphis Mose, 25 min 5 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min 6 2 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10 min... 4 
What Happened to Hannah, 13 

min 1 1 

A sreat number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed In 

Denison's Cataloeue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154W. Randolph St., Chicago 



POPULAR ENTERTAIN 

' Illustrated Paper C 




IN this Series 
are found 
books touching 
every feature 
in the enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely made, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
an attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 
A Partial List 

DIALOGUES 

All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Selected, fine for older pupils. 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. 

Very clever; for young people. 
Children's Comic Dialogues. 

From six to eleven years of age. 
Country School Dialogues. 

Brand new, original i 
Dialogues for District Schools. 

For country schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen selections. 
Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Over 60,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 

Dialogues and recitations. 
IHumorous Homespun Dialogues. 

For older ones. 
Little People's Plays. 

From 7 to 13 years of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 

For all ages; mostly humorous. 
Merry Little Dialogues. 

Thirty-eight original selections. 
When the Lessons are Over. 

Dialogues, drills, plays. 
Wide Awai<e Dialogues. 

Original successful. 

SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 

Choice Pieces for Little People. 

A child's speaker. 
The Comic Entertainer. 

Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negix), Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speai<er. 

Choice prose and poetry. 
The Frida>f Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues. 

Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 

Clever, humorous, ori;,inal. 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 




'"*"r 017 401 098""5' 

Scrap- Book Recitatrons. 

Choice collections, pathetic, hu- 
morous, descriptive, prose, 
poetry. 15 Nos. 

DRILLS 

The Best Drill Book. 

Very popular drills and marches. 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that sparkle with originality. 
Little Plays With Drills. 

For children from 6 to 11 years. 
The Surprise Drill Book. 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 

SPECIALTIES 

The Boys' Entertainer. 

Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children's Party Book. 

Invitations, decorations, games. 
The Christmas Entertainer. 

Novel and diversified. 
The Days We Celebrate. 

Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good Things for Christmas. 

Recitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Sunday Schools. 

Dialogues, exercises, recitations. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Cejebrations. 

Great variety of material. 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
Pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. ' 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletlde Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELSr JOKES 

The Black-Face Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland, via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny stories, jok es, gags, etc. 

Larse Illustrated Catalogue Fraa 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publisher$,154 W.Randolph St., Chicago 



